Jan 6, 2012

I am starting feel a little more committed to the process of making changes to my life.  The dietician I will be working with asked me for three days’ worth of food logs.  The caveat is not to change your eating.  So I'm a little quick out of the gate.  Part of me (devil) wanted to start eating sugar because I figured it was a hall pass.  The other part (angel) said keep going because it's so hard to find momentum again.  I have had breakfast, lunch and snacks over the past two days. I have stuck to my commitment and I'm happy to report...So far, So good. 

I am going to take my pictures later today.  They need to be taken every month at the same time.  I am somewhat distracted by this.  It's not that I am afraid of the pictures because I know this will change.  I need to wear light colours and don't have anything to wear.  Most of the clothes in my closet have shrunk :)  I didn't invest in a whole new wardrobe since being off work meant jeans and t-shirts.  I did have to buy some new clothes because I didn't keep any clothes from the last time I lost weight.  I was determined that I would not go back to that lifestyle again.  I didn't know that I hadn't dealt with the underlying issues and how to identify them early enough.  That's what I am going to do this time.  I am one of those people who have clothes from size eight to 14.   Many women I know have this same wardrobe selection. 

With the cognitive behaviour therapy and work at Trellis I am hoping to come to terms with what I look like on the outside and that is not the sum of who I am.  I was supposed to meet a sweet guy today for coffee.  I screwed it up, permanently, and turned it around to be a problem with him.  The rejection was not him; it was a rejection of me.  A rejection of what I look like on the outside and I am only loveable if I look a certain way.  The funny thing is, as much as we know this is not right, this is how our society is wired.  I look at Internet dating sites and no one is asking for women with extra weight.  The all want slender, fit or average.  It's discouraging from the get go.  I've been avoiding dates with anyone until I lose the weight.  I shake my head at how ridiculous this sounds and at the same time there is just no way, at this point, I can feel differently about it.