Jan 6, 2012

I am starting feel a little more committed to the process of making changes to my life.  The dietician I will be working with asked me for three days’ worth of food logs.  The caveat is not to change your eating.  So I'm a little quick out of the gate.  Part of me (devil) wanted to start eating sugar because I figured it was a hall pass.  The other part (angel) said keep going because it's so hard to find momentum again.  I have had breakfast, lunch and snacks over the past two days. I have stuck to my commitment and I'm happy to report...So far, So good. 

I am going to take my pictures later today.  They need to be taken every month at the same time.  I am somewhat distracted by this.  It's not that I am afraid of the pictures because I know this will change.  I need to wear light colours and don't have anything to wear.  Most of the clothes in my closet have shrunk :)  I didn't invest in a whole new wardrobe since being off work meant jeans and t-shirts.  I did have to buy some new clothes because I didn't keep any clothes from the last time I lost weight.  I was determined that I would not go back to that lifestyle again.  I didn't know that I hadn't dealt with the underlying issues and how to identify them early enough.  That's what I am going to do this time.  I am one of those people who have clothes from size eight to 14.   Many women I know have this same wardrobe selection. 

With the cognitive behaviour therapy and work at Trellis I am hoping to come to terms with what I look like on the outside and that is not the sum of who I am.  I was supposed to meet a sweet guy today for coffee.  I screwed it up, permanently, and turned it around to be a problem with him.  The rejection was not him; it was a rejection of me.  A rejection of what I look like on the outside and I am only loveable if I look a certain way.  The funny thing is, as much as we know this is not right, this is how our society is wired.  I look at Internet dating sites and no one is asking for women with extra weight.  The all want slender, fit or average.  It's discouraging from the get go.  I've been avoiding dates with anyone until I lose the weight.  I shake my head at how ridiculous this sounds and at the same time there is just no way, at this point, I can feel differently about it. 

Green Hair

I woke up early this morning, which is a change for me.  Since I am off work right now I usually sleep late and go to bed late.  I was up early because I had an appointment with my doctor.  I went to talk with her about my weight loss plans.  So I weighted in today...here goes...205lbs.  At 5'8" tall my BMI says I am overweight bordering on obese.   I told her I was going to Trellis.  Trellis is a resource that counsels people with eating disorders.  I am a binge eater.  I have lost and gained the same 50 - 70lbs 3 times in the past ten years.  This is turn number 4. 

"Never hide your green hair - they can see it anyway" this is at the top of today's reading from the book The Book of Awakening.   It means that we don't need to hide, no matter what anyone says.  We need to believe and feel the fact that who you are is enough.  Although my insides don't match my outsides, I do know that I am good enough.   Inside I feel spiritually centered.  Outside, I want to hide myself away.  I don't feel confident or loveable. 

I am going to do many things to change this behaviour.  My doctor and I talked about recognizing the triggers and doing this as quickly as possible.  I received a book I ordered called The Cognitive Behavioural Workbook for Weight Management.  Cognitive Behaviour Therapy will give me the tools I need instead of going to the fridge or cupboard.

I did pick up groceries after my appointment this morning.  I was good moving around the store until I hit the bakery section.  I didn't buy anything but I fantasized about the sugary sweet goodies.  I imagined the pies and how the crust would feel in my mouth, the top crust crunchy and the inside crust soft.  The filling is sugary, sweet, gooey surrounding soft, squishy apple pieces. 

It will take some time to make these changes and not have fantasizes about food as I walk through the store.  It's something I've carried for a long time.  Sometime we carry things around that we no longer need, like weight, behaviours, etc.  It is time.

First Blog - Day Before the Big Day

This is the day before I start on my weight loss journey...again!  Yes, this is not the first time but I believe this time will be different.  I have tried many different methods to lose weight.  Yes, they've been successful for the short term.  In the long term the weight has come back, over and over. 

What makes this time different?  To start with, I am working with a dietician this time.  I am also going to do some group work for binge eating disorders.  And finally, I was accepted as a candidate for a TV series on weight lose and confidence building.  I've carried around my struggle to sustain a normal weight for many years and it's time to deal with the underlying issues of my roller coaster weight efforts.  I am an emotional eater.  I have fluctuated from 114lbs to 220lbs.  All of this has happen over the past twenty years.  That being said, I can remember escaping with food from the time I was about 7 or 8 years old.  Why?  It let me escape and lose myself, if only for a short time. 

Last year things in my life came crashing to the ground.  I was bullied by the manager I worked for at a big bank.  I went on sick leave and went from short term disability to long term disability.  The whole situation was emotionally, spiritually and mentally disabling.  I was unable to do anything for a long time and stopped exercising and eating well.  I gained approximately 40 lbs. over the past year.  Now that I am better than ever emotionally, spiritually and mentally I need to align my outside with my inside. 

I will post pictures as I go.  I am not a writer and the most I've written are my own personal journals, so just a heads up.   I look forward to sharing my journey with you.